Love is why I do not go to church anymore.

Ok, I am just going to leave my jumbled thoughts here.

My friends always ask me why I do not go to church anymore and every time I come up with a different excuse. Somewhat in the lines of; Oh, I didn’t realize it was Sunday, you know how the days go by so fast, don’t you? Oh, I had to finish up some work. Uhm, my friend, was sick, so I had to see her. It is always one

It is always one justification after the other, and it has started exhausting me. So here I am to set the record straight because I feel the guilt haunting me.

A few months back someone told me to start questioning everything that I have been taught to believe, and everything that people say to me.  Of course, I didn’t, I immediately buried his suggestion in the most comfortable spot at the back of my mind since it didn’t make any sense to me.

Everything is pretty black and white you see? What is there to question? If the pastor says drinking alcohol is bad, then I have to believe him and do as he says. If mommy says swallowing passion fruit seeds will make a tree grow in your belly, then I won’t do it because mommy knows best, doesn’t she? If I read a sign at the Ministry of Internal Affairs that says “this is a corruption-free zone.‘ Then I believe it because the sign is right here. Why would anyone risk giving money to these government chaps? See everything is black and white. Why should I start bothering myself with this nitty-gritty?

When a man tells me he can never lay his hands on a woman, I believe him because he sounds like he means it. When a priest walks into a church and starts preaching about St Paul’s message on lust, then I believe him. He would never have sex with any woman or sodomize a young boy. He is a priest, and God has ordained him. God’s chosen servant.

(Ok, I have this feeling I am beginning to look dumb. No, I am just a wee bit gullible. I like giving people the benefit of the doubt, after all, expecting the best in people brings out the best in them and seeing the worst in people brings out the worst in them)

Nevertheless, an inside voice kept urging me to listen and challenge myself to query everything that I have been told to accept as real. I started asking myself a lot about religion, culture, race, and other puerile things for example; why are my boobs at the front and not at the back 😁 I started wondering what Africans believed in before colonialists started buzzing into our homes? We had our own gods that we were happy serving. And then one day the missionaries start pouring into our midst and conditioning us to believe in God. (It worked, I believe in Him)

What if it was the other way around? What If Africans were the colonialists? Would there be shrines in Europe, Asia, North America, South America and other continents where they worshipped African gods like Ala the Goddess and Earth Mother (Nigeria), Asa the Father God of the Akamba people(Kenya), Khonsu the Egyptian God of the Moon, Jok the God of the Acholi people . Psst, what would it have been like?

Alright, so this was about the time I stopped going to church because I started seeing a lot of wrong things that I hadn’t seen before. The place that is supposed to be the epitome of love turned into a place full of hypocrisy, hatred and judgemental human beings. Usually, I gladly picked out my 10k note and offered it as offertory because the pastor said God doesn’t want coins, I found a problem with that sister who used to come to church every day but then one-day she stopped, and I saw her hanging out with Peter, that boy that smokes way too much weed. Is the devil inside her? Why did Jackie get pregnant, yet she claims she is a Christian?

Usually, I gladly picked out my 10k note and offered it as offertory because the pastor said God doesn’t want coins, I found a problem with that sister who used to come to church every day but then one-day she stopped, and I saw her hanging out with Peter, that boy that smokes way too much weed. Is the devil inside her? Why did Jackie get pregnant, yet she claims she is a Christian?

Wait a minute, did you see? Mark didn’t give offertory today. I cannot believe it, Rachel is not speaking in tongues, the Holy Spirit is no longer in her life. Jackie came to fellowship wearing a skirt that was above her knees. You can’t listen to Jesus culture and then the next day listen to Wiz Kid.  And every time I did this I felt so much guilt and I just wanted the holy spirit to wash my sins away. Why does Meagan Good claim to be a pastor’s wife yet she goes around kissing men in movies and wearing clad clothes?. As if I was perfect! Judging people like I have no ghosts of my own. Like I didn’t struggle with sin every other hour of my life.

But then again doesn’t God himself say that no matter who we are we are always welcome in his house, and he loves us all. Judgement should only be left to him. What happened to” love yourself as you love your neighbour.”  Jesus ate with Lazarus, Jesus let the prostitute pour perfume on his feet. But we human beings feel like we are the Alpha and Omega. I just finished reading Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s “” Purple Hibiscus” It bothered me so much that Father Amadi was falling in love with Kambili and she was in love with him too. I was so angry at the both of them.

Couldn’t Kambili see that he was a Catholic priest? Didn’t Father Amadi realize that he can’t have such feelings? Then it hit me that they are just human beings? (They controlled themselves, it was such a relief. The man was a real man of God) That we have these desires and its okay because it is normal. We are human. We feel, we make mistakes, we sin, but at the end of the day God loves us. It doesn’t matter what we do how many sins with the commit. HE is a good-good father. Why can’t we extend the same treatment to our fellow human beings? Why do we have to be so righteous and judgemental?

Anyway, I stopped going to church; it isn’t because I don’t believe in God anymore. Aside from the complex questions that run in my mind  I just don’t like seeing all the hypocrisy in the church. My own thoughts confuse me, but the one thing that I am quite sure of is that there is a God. I pray every day and read my bible. I ask God to give me the grace to understand things that I do not understand. I promise tomorrow I will go to church and try again, probably focus on only myself but it is hard to ignore everything happening. Budha once said that “ Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others” Maybe I should listen to the wise man. The greed, hypocrisy, sodomy, rape, etc.

Speaking of Budha, did you folks know that he taught about love? (It’s a rhetorical question) Allah and Jesus did too.

We cant continue to preach love and act completely differently.  All these great leaders stand for LOVE. So why don’t we all emulate Jesus and love one another? Love is peace and happiness.